Recently I sent this copy of an email to many of my close friends and prayer supporters. The response from them was amazing and very helpful. Because I have such a huge journey ahead of me I have created this blog to track my thoughts and my progress. Thanks to all who are supporting me I hope you will continue to follow along with me in this journey.
Here is the copy of my email cry for help:
“So many things rambling through my head right now. I hate when I haven’t blogged or journaled in a while and everything just piles up. So this is me trying to clean my mind up a bit and express all that is going on right now.
I should start with the leg pain. Since January of 09 out of the blue I started having this leg pain. It started off small going up and down the stairs would hurt. Then the pain got worse where it would catch my breath. Then I would start falling and my legs would just give out on me. This went on for a few months and then finally I decided to see a Dr. about it. I was informed that I have a disease called AVN (avascular necrosis). This disease is fairly rare and even if treated is something you have to deal with the rest of your life. Or so this is what the doctors tell me. AVN is when the blood vessels in your body try to shut down, clog up and collapse. They then stop feeding blood supply to your bones. I found out I have this in both of my hip sockets. I did find out I’m in stage 1 of the disease which is really good and that my veins have not collapsed yet. Thats the only good news I got. The bad news is the doctor wants me to lose 30-50 lbs while walking on crutches, a walker or a cane and very very limited exercise. I can swim in the pool or I can workout on a stationary bike.
I have to admit. When I got this news I was very upset. I already feel like I live a crippled life because of the migraines I deal with and now throw this into the equation. I want so so so badly to walk around and function normal like everyone else. I don’t want in my last days look back at my life and regret that I didn’t do much because i was so “limited”. I’m sick and tired of being limited. It seems like every time things start to go right with me and David something attacks me.
I should also mention that back in June I found a lump in my right breast. The doctor took a look at it and wanted it biopsied. So they did and praise the Lord it came back negative. The stress though of this entire scenario just really wiped everything out of me. So yes I am so beyond happy and blessed that the test came back negative! I just wish all this other crap would stop following me around.
Then there are the migraines. I don’t know why I get them I try to guess and come up with scenarios all the time. Just when I think I’m over a bad spell another one hits. To boot I can’t get treatment, I can’t see a doctor, I can’t go to the ER, I can only take Advil, that’s it. Treatment only makes my migraines worse and last much longer sometimes even months.
There was one really low point a few weeks ago. I had just had the biopsy so I was in pain and laying in my bed. My head was pounding so bad I couldn’t walk to even go to the bathroom and my hips were so messed up I couldn’t get out of bed if I wanted to. I was stuck. Nowhere to go. No voice to shout for help. Just me, my bed and my bedroom. At this point I just started having a very intense conversation with God. Crying out to him literally there were many tears on my pillow that day. I think I was in that bedroom for 12 hours straight. Talking to God, crying out to God, begging God till I would pass out from exhaustion and do it again. I wasn’t hearing anything back from him. The only thing I could hear was him reminding me of a lyric to a worship song “He is God and He is good, This is God and this is Good.” Why? Why that lyric? This meaning my pain and my sickness being from God and it being good. That didn’t add up to me. Where is the theology behind that. God is a good God. I don’t believe causes sickness and disease on people and He doesn’t do it to try and “teach us” a lesson. So why this song. What does it mean.
I’m still learning what that lyric means but here is what I have put together so far. He is God and He is good. No matter what I see around me, no matter how much pain im in. No matter my head is pounding so bad I can’t stand up straight. No matter I can’t get out of bed for 3 days at a time. No matter anything. He is MY God and he IS a Good God!
What this taught me was to check my attitude. I get really angry when I’m dealing with sickness so hardcore. Who am i angry at. I always though I was just angry at myself. After all I’m the one who caused this to happen to my body. If I could just find that one thing to do right maybe this wouldn’t have happened. But no I’m not angry at myself am I? I’m angry at God. Oh my this is not a road I ever thought I would go down and not one I want to continue down. I will not and cannot be made at God. So I did some immediate praying for forgiveness and re tweaking my thought patterns. Any anger I feel is to be directed at the devil my enemy. I will not allow him in my body and in my life.
It’s all about an attitude change. I’m to be thankful that He is my God. Thankful for the things He has done for me and brought me through. Not angry. And I can’t get angry at myself. I can’t go to the place where I feel like I could have prevented a migraine and didn’t so now its all my fault I don’t deserve healing anyway.
Its interesting to me that this disease that I’m dealing with the cure is basically losing weight and having myself balanced at all times. I guess you could say what needs to happen in my physical body needs to happen in my spiritual one as well. I need to be rebalanced. Work on correct and right thinking. Adjust my attitude. Lose my anger and direct it at the right person. Not my family, not myself but the enemy.
That being said I have a really daunting task before me in the physical. I have to somehow with very limited means lose 30-40 lbs while staying as immobile as possible. I’m seeking prayer for direction and for the Holy Spirit to walk me through this. That is the only way this will happen. I need to know “ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! I need to allow room for Christ to come in and strengthen me. Move myself out of the way.
I need to be digging in the word seeking out scripture to speak over myself daily. Learning to put on the armor of God each morning when I get up. Get ready for the day ahead. Make plans, and agendas on what I want to accomplish that week.
So there you have it…well most of it anyway. All the stuff rattling in my head. Don’t know if this blog will end up a website somewhere I might just keep it private but I pray that my friends and family help me through this. I need support. I need help. I don’t want to end up in this same spot next year and being told I have to have a hip replacement.
So there. If your a family member or a friend that gets this in an email I’m asking for your help but mostly for your prayer.”